Thoughts

Its officially been nineteen days since I left NYC. For the past two weeks I have been going back and forth about writing topics. I am guessing much of this probably came from the fact I have not been able to fully grasp my experience into words. Luckily, last week I attended a poetry workshop in which a good friend was the  facilitator. Although inspired by many moments in Bangladesh to continue to do good work, I have failed to be motivated to write. Maybe “writers block,” not really sure… anyways during the workshop I learned how to write list poems and I figured I would share this. These are currently all, the many, thoughts, and conversations in my mind that I am processing right now.

Flying roaches

Rickskaws

Rice & Dhaal & Chicken

Achaar

Bangla

Red and Green

Mosquitos

Cultural insensitive

Privilege

White Privilege

People of Color Privilege

Race

Poor

Poverty

New people

Intelligent people

Friends

Moments

Shared experiences

Identity

Community Organizing

Action

Justice

Photography

Peace

Belief

Warmth

Religion

Eid!

Balance

Womyn(hood)

Dogma

What other people think

Halloween at the American Club!?

Salwar Kamese

Hot, Heat, Humid

Sunday is actually Monday

Friday is Saturday

and Thursday is Fruttibas Day!

Clean Water

Undocumented Immigration

Occupy Dhaka

Education

Equal Access

Pepper Spray

Mosquito Net

Randomness

Hope

1971

Revolution

Bangladesh.

Experience, a risk?

“If you want to be legendary, you do what people least expect, you take a risk that no one thinks is worth it, but you take that risk and turn it into something specular and make it worth it for yourself. That’s what a legend is.”

My friend told me this quote a few months ago when I couldn’t decide my options post under-graduate. I felt utmost blessed to have had so many options but she told me its really not about the options you have but the choices you make and what those choices could mean to you.

I never thought that I would be legendary. Never had a desire to be that special, nor did I ever want to receive that title; however, from this definition above maybe legends are people who do the things that are unspoken of. For me, its not the legendary part I am attached to rather the most significant aspect of this quote is the idea of TAKING RISKS. A majority people I have met believe that the Fulbright Fellowship is prestigious; however, the reason why I chose to return to Bangladesh and teach had no connection to the prestige of the program. In fact I think I would have ended up here within a few years doing something fantastic. Originally in the beginning of my decision making process, friends and family members pushed me to not take the Fulbright. Only being here one day, I truly believe I have taken the most challenging, worth while, risk of my life- returning to Bangladesh. I wonder if I can actually say Returning since I never lived here, was born here, or was raised in a traditionally Bangladeshi home. Anyways… I specifically choose to come here because I am passionate for women’s education and developing sister circles, creating, fostering, and enhancing dialogues between womyn related to leadership, feminism, opportunity, and most importantly experience. Experience because I believe its what truly develops who we are, experience are choices, decisions, moments, memories, and essentially experience returns us to the idea of risks, risks we take that shape our identities are a part of our experience.

This moment, where I am, my present, is part of my experience. Being here is a risk. Who I want to become, what I want to do, and where I want to go in Bangladesh is still all a mystery to me all the while being a risk that shapes my experience and also molds and continues to foster my identity as a Bangladeshi- American womyn.

 

My Truth on Finding Myself

About three weeks ago I sat down with one of my BFFs- here I am renaming her as Serina. While eating dinner we came to the conversation of “finding myself”- in this case she was saying she wanted to find herself. What does it exactly mean to find ones self?  A few weeks later I asked my partner what his goals were while I would be away in Bangladesh on a fellowship and he replied: “I want to find myself.” I was in many ways shocked to hear this. At first I was thinking- does this mean we are breaking up? and then I was thinking- I already thought you found yourself, you know who you want to be, you know where you are going, and you definitely are on the right track- so I asked him “Are you sure its about finding yourself, or becoming something better?” (not that he isn’t great enough! he sure is amazing to me!)

So now I am here- thinking about what it means to “find yourself/ myself/ ourselves?” Recently, I have been so confused with the idea of it. Frankly, I am kind of frustrated hearing people say- “Oh, its awesome your going abroad for an entire year, you’re definitely going to find yourself.” In my head the answer that speaks to me is that I believe I have already found myself. I define myself as someone who is an activist, someone who believes in changing the world, and someone who strives for love and loves with all (values I hold close to my heart). So when I hear someone talk about “Oh I want to find myself,” I wonder if society makes us want to believe in finding ourselves. Do we shop and change jobs to figure out who we want to be? Do we go to school in hopes we will find our passion? Do I move out of my mother’s house and get my own apartment and try living independently? The thing I hate the most is when people travel to find themselves- because why do “I” or “you” need to travel so some distant country that is far less privileged than your own life in order to find who you are.

I don’t want to rant about this- rather my point here is that I believe that we have all, really, have found ourselves. We may not know who we want to become, what we want to be, or where we want to go but what is important is that we are here, we are present, and we are trying to figure it out. Finding- sounds blurring, sounds like we don’t know right from wrong, and points out that the mistakes we have made are negative, when in reality I believe mistakes are moments we learn about ourselves. I don’t believe it’s about finding one’s self rather, its more about becoming a better person, figuring our what type of role you want to play in the world, and rather than pointing at yourself, myself, or ourselves– you should be pointing at the options you can take to help you become that better person. Maybe that’s about taking risks, challenging yourself with different things and ideas, or even allowing ourselves to make mistakes- even the ones you probably have already made.

I already know that I have made decisions, have opinions, and follow my own standards and values- in some ways doesn’t that mean that I have already found the person I want to be?! or does this just me this is who I am?? or doesn’t this also mean that I have “Found myself.” It’s all just confusing, so I like to think of the idea of finding self as becoming better because I truly feel we all know who we are- who we are is about our values, decisions, opinions, and thoughts, we just don’t know what type of goals/ dreams/ and desires we truly want or what type of  person this will all make us. Ultimately, I believe, that just means that most of us want to become better people- or so I hope. 

One of the greatest books I have ever read is Tuesdays with Morrie by Mitch Album. I have grown closely in admiring Morrie (the main character and I will end with one of his quotes:

“People haven’t found meaning in their lives, so they’re running all the time looking for it. They think the next car, the next house, the next job. They they find those things are empty, too, and they keep running… I would rather put my energies into people.”

I admit I didn’t fully go into what this quote could mean but it resonated with me because I believe it relates to the idea of becoming a better person– or ultimately what you may call “finding ones self.”

Advocate. Hope. Love

N.